...It's not always a pretty one, genuinely speaking. And maybe people don't talk much about what it means to no longer go back to an old version of self.
Probably my longest post here, but I don't think I have anything to lose by sharing, albeit some concealed details, but it works the same :)
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When you really make a decision to change, it also means you essentially get rid of everything that version of yourself has that you don't like. Many times, the gut reaction is to go outside to 'do things' to try to make a change, or work very hard to run away and escape, but you cannot outwork your own identity. Unfortunately (or fortunately).
Maybe the most you can do is to give up and give in to a less tolerable version of yourself and feel OK – but if that's not the type of life you want to experience, then you cannot give in, no matter what that feels or looks like.
That's the caveat.
No MATTER what it feels like... or looks like.
Easier said than done yes, but easier than living a life of compromise.
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I used to be someone who was super antsy and over-reactive to anything. And it created this cycle over and over again, and I saw it in business, in myself, in my relationships with other people. Until the day I realised that the only thing and person that ever needed to change was me.
So for example this looks like a loop of 'thinking' time is limited, and working against the clock. My feeling-state always was influenced by what I see. Something had to come in by this time, by this way, in this process. It caused a lot of strife. When the high came in, and everything flooded in, I felt great, it was great – but I found that I couldn't hold onto it (be it resources or whatever) for too long, before I found myself back in again, and then the high again, and then down again. It was a loop that was kinda crazy and I thought to myself "oh it had to be this way".
But I knew that wasn't the case, and I didn't want that to be my story any longer.
I started this whole process of really separating myself from what I was doing, and started to see that I was the cause for everything in life, not just 'business' and not turning it into a giant. It became a part of what I did – a lot of dismantling and rearranging perspectives, but it helped a lot.
The thing about self-change... is that it's never a one-time done thing. It's a constant endeavour. Every time you wish to level up, truly having to jump mentally means a swift kill of the old version of self, no matter how 'good' the old version of self was, it is not the level of consciousness that can hold the big jumps.
So this time I decided to really draw the line in the sand. Enough of getting by or being OK with enough, I wanted to go all in to give myself everything that I could. Crazy visual things I don't want to describe here, but it's a "huge" stretch from where I was before in consciousness.
I did it anyway, and I stayed put. There was no crazy war at all, but through the process of staying put, I found myself growing stronger and stronger with each conscious choice I made. When I always made a decision to know my end as done, not from force or hoping, but a sheer, clear and firm resolution that it was DONE. When I felt myself looking, I just went within and reminded myself of the truth and promise I made. I chose to see the truth, even when it didn't appear to be the case. There were some apparent hiccups and initially I had a small thought "this is against what I've been changing within myself" – and I knew instantly, that had to go.
Those little "hiccups" resulted in me realising things were removing themselves from my life automatically, be it an undesirable client, some unfinished government admin that I seemingly missed out and didn't clear – I always knew it was all for me. And I did a huge commitment to myself that moving forward, what I fully intended was my NEW and REAL life, and not to back track on it.
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I think people think you have to feel happy 24/7, not always. During the day, depending on the day itself, sometimes I felt really elated and happy, other times I felt frustrated (not frustration at what I saw or whatever but it was this frustration that this old version of me was trying to show, in which I remind myself why that is no longer true to me, and continue to CHOOSE what I wanted to feel, and give it to myself within). This was a constant habit. Initially, I treated it like a task list - that I had to do this for XXX days, then I will get this XXX result, which is another way of saying "I'm not gonna be this until I see the change, THEN I'll be that person". In a way, putting myself as separated as the person/identity who has it and has experienced it. Closing that gap made all of the difference within me. And it also meant the old me came back again.
Even when feelings crept up, thoughts crept up, whatever it was crept up.... I NEVER labelled myself as being against me. Even if I wasn't feeling that way, to be honest. Even when it appeared that the 'odds' were stacked against me. The only way out is through.
I always decided to see everything as perfect. As best as I could no matter what, I just saw everything as perfect for me, and that it was all perfect now. Even if I didn't feel it fully, I didn't care. I guess I've been through this process enough that it became almost second nature. No matter how many times I've done it before though, it was always the same. The need to get down and dirty is truly the same. I spoke verbally over my circumstances. I declared what was the truth. I chose to go within and imagine myself anyway. It was like a last 'fight' (although I don't want to call it that, it was more of a last ditch attempt) with the old me, and because I accelerated where I was from Point A to Point B – she couldn't come along with me.
On the tip of the surface – that is the visible world – it seemed as though nothing was moving. I really only ever dare to type it out but I never say that verbally because I know deep in my gut it wasn't true. I mean it isn't. Even on X spaces, I have also mentioned that many things are unseen to us throughout our day, and just because we can't see something... Doesn't mean it's not real.
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Ultimately, someone here has 2 options. Give up because 'it's not working' [internally cringed when I typed that] OR continue to remain stable and steady because they already know that the decision has been made, the battle has been won, and success, glory and victory is theirs. When it appears that life is really on the line – what do you do? What else is there to do, when all you ever can do is change who you are being within?
To me, this reminds me very much of the story in Genesis where Jacob was wrestling with God all night, and God blessed him in the end. Imagine wrestling with God all night, and not giving up? Jacob was persistent and held onto God for dear life, and in the end he received his blessing (despite the hip).
In this case it's kinda the same. You can continue to be as Jacob (the deceiver), who is known to have stolen his blessing from Esau and cave in, OR understand that your blessing is truly awaiting you, if you continue in who you are.
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Anyway, good things are always happening for you. Always. I'll probably update this article in due time. Soon!
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Update 2:
It's been a huge overhaul of my own self-identity – to the point where everything is in stillness. I picture myself standing on a rock and being unmoved by everything. It's like my inner me towers over all and I remain in this stillness. When you know that something you've claimed to be true is already yours, then that's all there is to it.
It's been a huge overhaul of my own self-identity – to the point where everything is in stillness. I picture myself standing on a rock and being unmoved by everything. It's like my inner me towers over all and I remain in this stillness. When you know that something you've claimed to be true is already yours, then that's all there is to it.
